The Christmas Heffalump
by teddybowties
Summary: The Doctor enjoys Christmas...
1. Chapter 1

THe Christmas Heffalump

A Doctor Who Christmas Fanfic by Me.

Disclaimer: Don't own em; wish I did. Coz they's all shiny-like, huzzat?

Reaching across the small curl-edged end table, I plucked a vintage bauble from the Jones' tree and held it up to the chandelier-light.

It was silvery, its shine fading in places from age and gentle touching… more than a few telling scratches marred the circumference; even so, someone must have dropped it outside once upon a time, as there were bits of old dirt and signs of water bleaching where the mercury tinting was cut by the rents.

"Oh, Martha! Bother and dash it all! I'm positively –dying- to hold your sister's baby, but my hand's a bit numb, and I don't trust it…" I murmured, holding up my right hand for effect as I wrung my fingers. Of course, it wasn't that I had truly slept on it, but that was what the lie was going to be. "… I must have slept on it, yeah? Think that's what it was, actually."

Martha only stopped considering me with that 'I'm a doctor and don't you forget it!' look when her sister touched her shoulder lightly and inquired about the pudding.

It was banana.

Normally I love pudding, me. Long as it isn't pear pudding. Not a big fan.

They'd all noticed it. I knew that.

I was tired, lethargic. And no one, bless them, said a single word to me.

Francine was the only one who dared. She was the only one left in this universe who would.

She was frowning at me over dinner.

She frowned at me as everyone else bowed off to wrap presents. I even –got- some, if the murmurings here and about were to be believed! And of course, I gave some, as well. Can't have Christmas without the gift-giving, whether emotional or tangible. Makes no difference in the end.

The End. It was coming; that much was clear. And from the Ood, I had learned the shape of my death, if not the time or the place.

I looked up from the couch with a start, for I'd just been touched without realising. Doesn't happen often…

"Mmm. Must have been knackered."

The lights were dim… a blanket was covering me. Candles were lit all around, a testament to the unique joy of this special night. Channeling a deep breath into all three lungs, I savoured the taste of the candle wax on my tongue as it wafted my way. In my own daft way, I suppose I've always loved the scent of Christmas, the expectation of sugared butter cookies, the deep earthy fragrance of pokey little pine needles, the liquor-washed sweet of fruitcake jeweled and fermented, glistening with rum glaze… gifts dressed in wrapping paper shining like crystals beneath a beautiful tree.

A gentle finger tapped my shoulder, and I sat up like a shot.

"Oh, no, no, no. What time, Francine? Did I miss anything important?" My eyes must have been saucers, because she just looked at me, her grey streaked, elegant, dark frizzy hair cocked to one side along with the rest of her slender countenance. A portrait of grace in airy folds of pale champagne silk and silver.

But she only smiled and held out her hand. A good and godly woman, that Francine.

I shoved my hands into my face, rubbing my eyes and struggling to shake the fog that wouldn't have been there as yet had I been more careful with this body. Then I saw her face, and many more faces hiding across the room. God I really was doing it again, wasn't I? Else how in the cosmos could I have missed such a blaringly large – and rather terribly imminent- elephant, even in my sleep? The heffalump of familial togetherness, that is.

Scrubbing the last of slumber from myself -mentally of course, as we Time Lords don't accumulate organic silts in our tear ducts- I pried my eyes wide and searched the faces of my adoptive human family for any sign of… oh wait.

"Ha! Because I didn't!" I cried, laugh-snorting like a schoolboy hyped up on sugar. "Sorry loves; I was in a mood again. Didn't even know it. But never you mind! I do get a bit cross when I'm tired! Not any more though! Sooo. What's up for now then?"

It was Jack who spoke first.

"It's only Christmas morning, Doc. We can wait till later, if you don't feel up to snuff. We saved some of the bird for you…"

Purposefully interrupting Jack, I looked at Francine squarely, right in her pretty eyes, and I said, "Well! Is it time for presents yet? Because I really have to be going! Time to die, you know! Mustn't be late for that. And I've got to wear the brown suit, I think. If I remember the vision of the Ood correctly, it had bomb blast holes in it..."

A collective gasp might have shaken the room, if it hadn't been this particular room, filled with these particular people.

So I started with the toasting and the handing out of my gifts, while everyone did the same around me, minus the toasting of course. It would have been too noisy.

"Sarah Jane, that smile of yours is enough to light up any room, and now it can! Literally! Save you a bundle on your electric bill. Plus, I made you some diamond earrings and hid them inside the box. They'll bring you good fortune. Real good fortune! Not the cheap coin machine kind. They read your thoughts and manifest your desires, on a small, perfectly safe scale of course," I said, handing her a small package wrapped in green and gold shiny paper.

"And Francine… you always worry so much about your family…" I reached, picking up a medium, lap-sized package I had wrapped in purple and green hearts, with silverish ribbon, "… now you can relax when you're away, knowing that your home and everyone in it are safe. I got it on Telaxii Prime, last one left. Looks like anything you want it to, art, furniture. Anything! And it's keyed to your genetic lineage, so you can't lose it or it's protection."

"Alistair! Catch. Bet you can guess what time period where it's from," I tossed my old friend a musket-shaped gift, noting with some satisfaction the light that gleamed in his elderly eyes.

"Okay, Doc… you owe it to us to open at least one of your presents here," Jack said, grinning that naughty little grin at me.

You know, I really believe he can't help himself. Well no matter. I've stiffed the poor man often enough, so I thought I'd give him a special present, one he wasn't expecting.

I shooed everyone else away into the kitchen after I took my own stash and set it down next to my coat on the couch. Then I closed my eyes and opened one package, wrapped in a blue paper.

It was a red velvet suit.

I put it on quickly, as I knew everyone was waiting to see it on me. It was soft, form fitting. A pleasant change from my usual fabric fare.

And, predictably, they all shuffled in as soon as I had my back turned.

I turned, patting the lapels like a strutting peacock, a motion not entirely for their benefit, as I came to enjoy the suit more and more as each moment passed.

Silent as a pole, Mickey handed me what I would soon realize was a brand new pair of Converse… green chucks! He'd stuffed them in a box… and that inside a bigger box… inside a bigger box. Painted blue, with tin foil on it. I had a time getting it open. Finally used my sonic on it. Then I put them on straight away. No use wasting a good pair of trainers saving em for later. Besides, I could always adjust the size if my next incarnation decided they were a bit off.

But, then he said something to me, something wonderful that completely scraped my face off.

He said, "If I'd known you were gonna change again, Boss, I'd have gotten you some'n be'ah, wot?

He looked so small to me then, and I felt the tears running down my cheeks long before I realised they'd even started.

So I shook my head, and took him in my arms, and held him.

" Sure! Sure, you could have done, but then I wouldn't have these beauties, would I? They're perfect Mickey. You're perfect. I'm so proud of you. In fact," Holding up the converse he'd given me, I turned to my crew and their family and smiled through streams of crystal, "I'm horribly proud of you all! It's been fun, and wonderful, and terrifying, and fantastic. And brilliant. Rose would have loved to be here, with me, with you. My beautiful, savvy, marvelous, brilliant, always fantastic Rose… She better be living it up with my clone, or else…"

I pressed a hand to my two hearts and swayed, closing my eyes against the memories. It wasn't long before I felt Martha's hand on my back, rubbing circles. I drew her into a tight hug, holding her head in my hands and brushing her mind with a bit of my own.

"Merry Christmas, Martha Jones," I said softly in her thoughts. Then she kissed me on the forehead and walked away again.

And as always, at the last, there was only Jack.

I smiled as I thought of the Mistletoe hanging above the door to the kitchen, and said to my Boekind friend, "Close your eyes, Jack Harkness. It's time for your present."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

**flashback to the days before Christmas**

"Jack! Oh my god. It's perfect."

Martha snatched the suit from Jack's hands and held it to the lights pouring down from the store's high, oddly claustrophobic ceiling.

Jack was smiling, grinning even as he watched her enjoy the thing.

"I should think so, Mrs. Milligan. That's the same ensemble David Tennant wore to Billie Piper's wedding."

Martha's eyes shot toward Jack.

"No! Are you serious? The very one? That guy is adorkable! That impeccable fashion sense of his has kept the British clothing industry going single-handedly in the face of US economic crisis."

The captain was fanning himself…

"You're telling me. He's steady in love with the endearing Miss Moffat, but he was kind enough to pull a prank at the con by kissing me on stage. My heart wanted to fly out of my chest."

"Eh? What were you doing onstage at a con?"

"Impersonating John Barrowman. But just between you and me, I think David knew. I mean, he looked right at me with those luscious chocolate eyes of his and just… "

Martha watched Jack's shoulders shake visibly, as though he'd caught a sudden… chill.

"Yeah…" she said as she cuffed the Time Agent lightly and then hooked her arm in his for the walk back to her new house, "… and Tom's my uncle. But Tennant does have the strangest look of age about him, and that presence he pours into everything when he's acting, it spills over into his real life. He's really something."

"Oh, that is such an understatement, Doctor Milligan. That man makes me wish I was Georgia Moffat."

She kicked at Jack then, and he nearly tripped over some kid's forgotten snowman.

"Hey! I thought you only had eyes for Ianto and the Doctor!"

Jack sighed.

"Yes, but one of them's not coming back, and the other one doesn't bat for my team, so… "

"And David Tennant's probably going to marry the Moffat girl. Where does that leave you, Jack? Are you going to stay on Earth for a while, or hitch your star to a freighter or something?"

The smile on Jack's face… for the first time in a while, it was genuine, and before they both knew it, they were outside in the snow.

"Well, I thought I'd tag along with the Doc in secret, you know? Heheh. Just like old times. Remember the end of the universe?"

Martha pulled her red coat close and shivered. But at least he'd made her smile more broadly.

"You bet I do, Mister. How could I forget? The Doctor, me, hurtling through space and time… you all desperate and clinging like roadkill to the outside of the TARDIS… "

"I am not desperate."

"Are too!"

"Am not, Martha! And you should talk! You were head over heels for him before you met Tom! Take this!"

And Jack reached down, tossing the first snowball into her hood.

* * *

"Mickey Smith! I am a military man, not a shoe salesman! How would I know which kind of adolescent footwear an old goat like him would fancy? I was in UNIT for lord's sakes… I can only imagine what Sergeant Benton would say to me now… Alistair Gordon Leithbridge-Stewart, caught in the sights of a Christmas present."

"Eh? They're only shoes! I have to get the Boss something he'll like! Now come on, Sir! I'm no good at this!"

Mickey was fuming. If Alistair squinted rather tightly, he could almost see the anxious steam coming from the boy's ears.

"It's all well and good, Smith. The Doctor will like whatever you give him, in the end. He's a generous man, to a fault."

Mickey ran a hand over his head.

"You haven't seen him cross over a girl, then."

The Brigadier nearly snorted his coffee with that one.

"Oh you think so eh? You should have seen one of his epic battles with Jo Grant! Oh, that row in the office was a real firestarter!"

Mickey reached for a napkin and wiped at the old soldier's chin. There was a bit of mustard…

The Brigadier stared at him for a moment, neither of them speaking.

"Sorry. It's jus'… I used to do that for my gran. It came sort of automatic, like."

With a dignified sniff, Alistair just laughed and reached to pat him on the back.

"Ah, good man, Smith, good man. I say… look there."

He pointed to a shoe rack behind Mickey. On the opposite side of the walk above them, a pair of green chucks stood out like a garden thumb in the window.

"Does the Old Thing have a pair of those green ones?"

As his eyes found what the Brigadier was looking at, Mickey felt a smile creep up despite himself as they both rose from their table and headed for the lifts.

Trust th' old war hound to reason out what the Doctor would like, even if neither of them could do to begin with.

* * *

"Nope, not that one."

I looked down at the offerings they'd given me, eyes perusing each corner of fabric, each tuft of fur, each ornate piece of costume jewelry.

Nothing was good enough for the woman I adored. Oh, the salesgirls were trying hard enough, but well… I remembered the extonic sun as it sank below the diamond shores of Midnight. And I had watched as several celestial presences, stolen orbs thought castaways, one of them the lost moon of Poosh, had returned by the aid of my hand, on the day I chose to cause the true and final twilight of the Dalek race. I had watched my double, the man my lover truly deserved and needed, disappear after the final ungoodbyes, back to his Ship, his Life, his Universe. His insufferable and all consuming loneliness.

Even I couldn't be good enough, after what he'd shown her. How could I be?

Molto Bene, indeed.

But I was all that was left. And that was why I was standing now, in a Henrick's building directly opposite to where, in another plane of spatial reference, I knew, I remembered, –his ninth self- had saved the woman who was to be my Girl Friday from the ashes of her former existence in another Henrick's, minus one Jackie Tyler, her flat, a spinning Christmas tree and a few strands of bleach blonde hair. And my favorite mechanic.

Immediately, as I thought of her, my mobile rang, twittering away in the back pocket of my jeans like a rabid gerbil.

"Nessun Dorma… Nessun Dorma… " it sang, in heavy tones that belied the end of the song. Somehow, it was all that other man's sadness that made me such a happy man, in spite of my own failings.

A page from Her; it was time to meet up and take lunch.

I cherish every picosecond I spend with her, and my newfound family.

And so, for my wife, my lovely family, and my one short life, every night and day, I thank Good for Him, and our Donna Noble.

OF course I'd think of something to get my Rose. It was only a matter of Time. Then, as I looked down for only a moment, I spied it.

There it was, the present. Right there in front of me.

It- was a large Rhodesian diamond as blue as the TARDIS, hand cut and lovingly displayed on a fantastic silver ring carved with Victorian leaves and twining roses.

She'd get me something just as wonderful, certainly.

But we both knew what the real present was, because every night and every day, she is right there beside me, the both of us thanking Good for Him and Donna.

I will not tell her what he did. Not yet, anyway.

I'll explain later.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter three

Thought I'd get Mickety Smith a nice programming multi-widget to play with, something to pass the time while he waited for the downloads on his Facecrook page. Those damn apps… they're worse than moldy jelly babies.

Rejoicing in my righteous gift giving skill, I pointed to the shiny IPod shaped thingy on the bluish liquid shelf just above the merchant's conch-shaped right ear. It wasn't really much of an ear, for a creature evolved from something resembling a cross between snot and primordial South American roughage, -specifically Carnegeia gigantia, the common Solian variety Giant Saguaro cactus, but who was I to judge? He smelled most pleasantly of Old Earth violets. My hand ventured to my pocket, and as I dug for the correct change somewhere between a hand-sized replica of the Starship Enterprise and a first edition Wonder Woman Pez dispenser, I bent, reaching farther into my bottomless stow.

But then I woke up on the ground. The merchant was holding my hand, babbling at someone to get some water or something. Oh dear. Apparently –he- was a she. But that was the least of my problems. I'd fainted.

I'd fainted, while rummaging for Christmas gifts on the dusty Bazaar planet of Bappinji, and somehow managed to forget to eat for six days in a row. Had I been shopping that long? Blimey.

I smiled.

"Your pelt smells like a bunch of beautiful Solian violets. Did you know that?" I said, taking the merchant's dry, hot claw in my own and pulling myself to a sitting position, "Sorry for this. I forgot to eat again, silly Time Lord that I am."

The she-snot –sorry, I really should respect her (even if these 'are' my own private thoughts) and call her what she is, namely a native Bappinjian, instead, it's just… all those oddly placed bubbles! They make me think of- froze in my grasp, her large, clear, colorless eyes icing over with gray as if snow were falling in her head behind them. Then she draped her other claw around my waist and hauled me the rest of the way to my feet.

Uh oh. I'd really done it. I'd said what I was again. In the immortal words of my dearest friend and hero, Oi.

"Time Lord!"

"Time Lord?"

"Time Lord!"

Soon the call to my nature was ringing out from every stall, and I looked about, trying to gauge whether I should drop everything and run, or just pretend to pass out and avoid an embarrassing scene, only to be whisked away and nursed in some foreigner's hospice by highly trained green marble-ish egg-shaped spin in place aliens called Oviparae with metal legs and no heads who would be quite happy to feed me tea and oranges till midnight. But I had no time to relax, sadly, so for now the second option was out. So I just blinked, set my lips into my best fake smile, and turned…

Right into a big chest. A very big chest, really, as it belonged to a Judoon.

I rubbed my nose, as the precious organ had been smushed to the nares by its meeting with the big Rhino-man's exquisite bulk. He was half naked, a stone's throw smarter than most of his race, and three heads taller than me…

I sniffed.

"Jugsy my boy, I'd recognize that gold earring anywhere!"

The big Judoon snorted into my face and held up a drinking bulb of clear fluid, which I took and smelled dutifully before downing.

I handed the bulb back to him with a smile. It looked so small in his Christmas ham sized pads.

His big lips parted like cracks of rock, and he spoke to me softly, "MOO DUNG BO JO, old friend. You want another? You look like you could use it."

I ground myself down like a telescope lens, then just sort of, bobbed my head from side to side slightly as we walked back to his tent. I couldn't keep anything from Jugsy, the old gem.

"MOO DUNG BO JO, old friend! MOO DUNG BO JO! I'm dying, Jugs me lad. Up the river, gone to pasture, Round the bend. Comes from being a wildly handsome Janusian rascal, one supposes. If I hadn't taken so many hits in this body, I imagine I'd have had it for a bit longer, although…"

"Ha ha ha! Oh, my poor deluded, starving friend, you must rest at my tent. My wife Jooba is nursing our first little one. His hooves just dried to-day!"

The Rhinoform's smile, big lips and all, was far too infectious, and soon I found myself carrying on about something or other and how someone had managed to get into my TARDIS and slap a five finger discount on all my milk when I'd first landed on Bappinji, the day I'd met him in fact. And it had happened again this time too.

Unlike the last time, I paid the theft no heed. It was only Old Taliqueel the Nautiloid from Bleu District. He was half senile, had a thing for curds and Malfikine prawn. If I found him later I could always take him back here, I s'posed. He wasn't dangerous.

Jugsy had been an officer then, Corporal Jugseth Fumm, out looking for Old Taliqueel, as he had caught him stealing his usual prawns from Space Pirate Tina's down on the corner of Fifth and Brevity. Oo they had delicious Raxaawi peppered soba…

We came to the tent. Jooba was at the flap, holding their little baby.

"Oh would you look at that! The cuteness is enough to give a man a coronary. Give us to grandfather!"

I held out my arms expectantly, my nostrils flaring like a bull's as I took the infant Judoon in my hands.

"Oh Doctor, it suits you. I think you've been alone for far too long. You must be careful, these days," she paused, "You never know who will come knocking, you know. This young man is Juth, our new baby. Isn't he KUK MUG DOO KOO?"

Ah, Jooba. She always had a knack for reading me. She led us inside the tent, which I had long since converted –bigger on the inside- some time ago, and sat me down on a nice round armless feathery chair, where I proceeded to bounce young Juth on my knee.

"Very much so, my dear. He is quite the jewel in the crown…"

I then proceeded to play fingers, much to Juth's everlasting delight. His little eyes were like huge chunks of vitrous coal, and I began to count aloud in his native language.

"TUN, MUN, THEE, DUTH, ROO!" I giggled, and he giggled, and we were soon on the floor, having fallen out of the chair together in our fervor.

But it ended abruptly, as both his adoring parents chose exactly that occasion to shoo him off to his playpen, leaving me without a new baby to smell.

"Ohhh.. Did you have to? He smells like New New New New New New New New York apple grass!"

Jooba looked at Juth and frowned, playfully, "Now now young man, the Doctor must save some numbers for us! Go play in your pen, little Juth!"

Jooba and Jugsy grinned at each other as I rose and took my chair again, but I could see they were concerned.

"He says he is dying again, Jooba my GALOO," said Jugsy, padding over to Jooba and resting an arm across her broad back.

"Yes, Jugseth my GALOO. I can smell death on him. He hasn't long. Do you, Doctor?"

They were both looking at me, now.

"You know me," I said quietly, lowering my eyes a fraction beneath Jooba's piercing chalcedony blue gaze, "… same old life."

"Not this Time," said Jooba, her features drawing down in a semblance of what must have been pity.

It was my cue to go.

"I… I have somewhere to be. There is a festival in Sol system called Christmas… my human friends desperately want me to come and celebrate. I was here buying presents for some of them, and… speaking of the present, I really should go. That fainting spell cost me a few minutes…"

They looked at each other again.

"You fainted? Doctor, perhaps you should stay with us a spell, till you're better."

It's all right, Jooba! Besides, you wouldn't want me regenerating all over your nice rugs, would you?"

Her laughter sounded like petals falling somewhere, strangely enough.

Jooba could be so insistent! The spare bedroom with the small library looked inviting, and… her Muktavi pies were really the best… but… there were promises to keep, and miles to go before I slept, and what. I stood, gave a slight bow and turned to leave.

Before I knew it, I had walked back to the merchant's stall where I'd been trying to buy a gift for Mickey. When she saw me, she raised her snotty fist and waved it like a battle hammer.

"Dlix nuwat, Tehmi Ludako! Dlixali Nuwat. Mawree Corustmas!"

Flattered, I paled a bit as she pressed the doohickey I'd been eyeing into my fingers. This worried her a bit, but I patted her rather substantial purple arm as I dug into my coat pocket and said, "Solkae Ruksum akusae violets. Vurae Prit."

Then I handed her a bouquet, and left with my prize.

The right kind of discount never hurt anyone.

---

As I reached the doors of my beloved Blue Box, I smiled and stroked her sides, telling her without words just how much she had-did-would-could meant-mean to myself and all my Companions. My good Old Girl was just, i suspect, very glad for my sake that the shopping was done. Now all that was left was to arrive at Francine's doorstep, and then to ring the bell. Along with the gifts, I'd also be bringing my special root pie made with Trelkian sugar tubers and African Yams…

---

FIN

---

"…MOO DUNG BO JO…"

- Translates to:

"Good days to you."

"KUK MUG DOO KOO"

Translates to:

"… the cutest little thing?"

"TUN, MUN, THEE, DUTH, ROO!"

"One, two, three, four, five!"

"… GALOO."

Translates to:

…honoured and dearest."

"Dlix nuwat, Tehmi Ludako! Dlixali Nuwat. Mawree Corustmas!"

Translates to:

"For you it's free, Time Lord. For you, it's always free. Merry Christmas!"

"Solkae Ruksum akusae violets. Vurae Prit."

Translates to:

Here you are, you lovely thing. Violets from Sol System. Very pretty!"

THANK YOU FOR READING, AND MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!!!


End file.
